Your thoughts on this short passage of writing? This is for my homework, so I am not writing for pleasure. If anything, I despise doing this. Any way, I would like some feedback as my teacher is really harsh and I would like to hear this from a bunch of strangers. I don’t think this is good at all…
Stepping onto the snow, a man raises his head, as though he is tasting the raw air. He kicks his feet, throwing clouds of snow and sand into the air, ruining the peaceful yet forsaken scene. He smirks to himself. His skin as deathly pale as the snow, yet his hair as dark as coal, his eyes as icey as the bitter ocean and his figure like that of a vulture. Staring out to sea, he cackles to himself; the chilling sound echoes through the air. The wind whips around his face, yet he does not flinch; he merely watches the colliding waves, looking content. He steps closer to the water. Closer again. Even closer, until his bare feet are attacked by the freezing water; he chuckles as if they are being caressed and massaged by the resentful waves.
Your thoughts on this?
In the meantime, I have to write five more paragraphs, wish me luck.
Thanks
X
It’s a description piece so I have to be descriptive.
A few constructive suggestions: Make it in past tense. You do a lot of describing, maybe edit some of it out. From this paragraph I have no idea was this is all about.
4 Example: Stepping onto the snow, a man raises his head, as though he is tasting the raw air. He kicks his feet, throwing clouds of snow and sand into the air, ruining the peaceful yet forsaken scene.
Suggestion: He stepped onto the snow, raised his head and inhaled the raw frigid air. Then he kicked up snow disturbing the peaceful scene with a smirk on his face.
Your thoughts on this short passage of writing?
This is for my homework, so I am not writing for pleasure. If anything, I despise doing this. Any way, I would like some feedback as my teacher is really harsh and I would like to hear this from a bunch of strangers. I don’t think this is good at all…
Stepping onto the snow, a man raises his head, as though he is tasting the raw air. He kicks his feet, throwing clouds of snow and sand into the air, ruining the peaceful yet forsaken scene. He smirks to himself. His skin as deathly pale as the snow, yet his hair as dark as coal, his eyes as icey as the bitter ocean and his figure like that of a vulture. Staring out to sea, he cackles to himself; the chilling sound echoes through the air. The wind whips around his face, yet he does not flinch; he merely watches the colliding waves, looking content. He steps closer to the water. Closer again. Even closer, until his bare feet are attacked by the freezing water; he chuckles as if they are being caressed and massaged by the resentful waves.
Your thoughts on this?
In the meantime, I have to write five more paragraphs, wish me luck.
Thanks
X
It’s a description piece so I have to be descriptive.
A few constructive suggestions: Make it in past tense. You do a lot of describing, maybe edit some of it out. From this paragraph I have no idea was this is all about.
4 Example: Stepping onto the snow, a man raises his head, as though he is tasting the raw air. He kicks his feet, throwing clouds of snow and sand into the air, ruining the peaceful yet forsaken scene.
Suggestion: He stepped onto the snow, raised his head and inhaled the raw frigid air. Then he kicked up snow disturbing the peaceful scene with a smirk on his face.
Good luck
References :
I write and have an agent.